Day 328- My Issue with My Frustration

Angela (my trainer) and i had a long and at sometimes confusing conversation about my frustration with myself and my transformation as of late.... which has not been much, even though it has at the same time.

 my issue is that i have been the same weight (give or take 5 lbs). even though i know my body composition has changed underneath all my flab. it is a mental thing and i know it. our society has been lead to believe that weight = where you are in way of weight loss... not inches or body composition, but weight. so if i were to say i weighed 185 this morning and as of right now i am down 55 lbs but all that wight was lost between may and october of 2011 what would one say about my weight loss journey with out seeing the other results as in inches or % of body fat/BMI???

 i personally see it as a failure on my part (mentally) because i know i can do better and i hold myself at a higher standard of myself. (aka- i am going to be best i can be, no ifs ands or buts) but in reality that is not true. i survived the holidays, being sick a numerous amounts of times in the last few months, and root canals. not to mention one emotional breakdown caused by an antibiotic. i am finally feeling "normal", as back to normal as one can be after all that, and i am disappointed in myself. i see myself as one who can do anything, but i have to remind myself that i cannot. what i can do is take one day a day at a time and try to keep up.... if that makes any sense.

 a friend said to me over the weekend that he wishes he had my determination, which made me fell good, but for some reason i felt the need to explain why i am not further in my journey than i am and he looked at me like i was a lil nuts. apparently i cannot see what everyone else does. on occasion i catch a glimpse of what everyone sees, but it is like an illusion to me and it is hard for me to believe what i am seeing.

 Kelly

Day 327- My weekend Recap

this weekend was another busy one- A friends 1st Art show, Pajama party with friends, Turnabout drag shows and easter... or as we like to call it- Zombie Jesus day :)

friday is when it all started. at 8pm was the start of my friend Jana's Art show as a part of First Friday here ins Spokane, WA. first friday is a way for local businesses to promote and invite in new and existing clientel with special, music & Art. @ off the Garland movie theater is a bar called Bon Bon that is an awesome Movie themed lil bar, with bartenders who craft your drinks instead of pouring a mixture of fillers with you alcohol. Jana's work is beautiful! mostly portraits, bult all are thoughtfully done and very colorful. ( i will have to take some pics and post them). after we chatted a while about how fabulous her creations were, i left her in the hands of many adoring friends and fans and headed off to a Pajama party at my friend Matt & Jewels place where we had some yummy appitisers & drinks and danced around all night.

                                                    (that is me.... the red head in the middle)

 The next day we headed out to brunch with some friends. buffet breakfast brunch was not a good idea for good choices. lots of eggs (which i am allergic to), bacon, sausage and potatos cooked in butter or oil. i stuck to the potatoes. it was either that or salad bar, and salad bar for breakfast did not sound appitizing. after that we went to a couple shops and looked around. then headed home and dropped off my huny then i headed back out in search of my outfit for that nights Drag performance.... this time i would be performing as male.

went to a great lil vintage clothing shop in downtown spokane called carosel (named after the musical). i chatted with the shop owner for a while and discovered some great finds- a "Smoking" jacket and a neglige that will look fab as a new dress :) then i stopped by Goodwill and picked up some mens pants and i already had some wing tip shoes to gp with my lounge singer outfit for the evening.after i got home i made a bow tie out of felt, ratted my hair into a pompador and twisted my hair back to look like elvis' did on the back. i chose the songs "Gin & Juice" and "baby got back" by lounge artist Richard cheese (he does hilarious lounge versions of popular songs) well my outfit & act was a huge success.... so much so that i won Mr turnabout! yay me!!! along with my friend Johnny who took the title of Miss turnabout.

                                                        (me and my friend Michael)

 as for my food/ nutrition....being that it was a holiday weekend, i was not overly conserned about beingstrict. life happens, events come up..... it is all how you handle the situation. sure i could have had the cheesy hasbrown bake at the buffet, but i stuck to the plain hash browns, english muffin and fruit. and i did have some chocolate for easter (I heart cadbury chocolate). those things happen.... but i did not go crazy because i could. i enjoyed myself.

 But now i am back to the routine because i have a bridal boudior photoshoot this coming up this weekend

Kelly

Days 216-226: It's Tricky

I know, I know..... i have gotten horrible about posting on a regular basis. believe me, a lil part of me is screaming inside when i go to bed and i have not written a blog for that day. But time has been tight lately with modeling, drag and other emotional/emergent/drama that this was the one thing i could put aside for a lil while. so, here i am :)

But it seems as though my body is playing tricks with my mind and i am getting discouraged, but at the same time i know that it is just life. i keep trucking along no matter what and i am so very proud of myself that i have not gone back into the deep abyss that is over 200lbs for me. i have stayed between 186 & 180 for the last 7 months..... and that is what gets me. i figured by this point that i would be almost to my goal (whatever that is, but it is not where i am now).

going to try some new things coming up that i will need to be carefully monitored on, namely a cleanse.because i have never done one and i have intestinal issues i have shied away from ever doing one in fear that it would make me very ill. but we will see.

the carb cutting i did was a short term weight loss, and as soon as i stopped and gradually went back to my regular carb intake, my body went back to its comfort zone....the 180s. i feel super fluffy, but what is below all that is muscle and i can feel it under all the fluff. that is why i am so discouraged.

soooo...... what do i need to do? stay on the same track with food. switch out protein in meat form for protein bars. water & more cardio.

BTW- happy easter/zombie jesus day!